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Heavy Heart

So far 2018 has been a very challenging year for me.

I think it took me until June to actually say out loud that I am depressed.

For me it's a very hard line to distinguish because I'm often doing things that are challenging and difficult, and so to actually get to the point where I can acknowledge that things are *more* difficult right now because I'm also struggling through a fog of depression took a some extreme moments.

I think there are a lot of factors effecting my depression and so it's hard for me to feel like there is a constructive path out of it. I'm experiencing challenges with my marriage. We've moved across the country and back into the city, THE City. I'm no longer able to just go and sit on my private patch of grass whenever I feel the need. There have been money challenges and stresses. I've started a new job in a corporate environment. I feel qualified to do it but there is still a learning curve of mistakes, and the culture shock can not be underestimated. I know so clearly what I want and what I'm good at but feel so far from getting it it's almost crippling. I've moved back into another small living situation, with 99% of my art making supplies in storage. I'm feeling bound to my current situation because of "responsible adult life" factors. And a million other daily challenges.

My support network when I moved back to NYC wasn't what I was hoping for. My favorite yoga studio closed down. My favorite affordable spa, where I can soak and re-set, closed down. Many of my closest friends have either moved already, are about to move, or have a complex life so we see each other infrequently.

Both of my parents have struggled with depression in their lives. Both, at different times, have been on medication to mitigate it. I'm very compassionate and empathetic towards depression in others but it's very hard for me to reconcile within myself. I think I often fear admitting or acknowledging my periods of depression because I'm concerned it will last forever or I convince myself that it's my fault that I'm depressed and so I should just shut up and fix it rather than admit that it's there.

I'm taking a moment to write about this here for several reasons.

A: I've been feeling a lot of crushing guilt for not utilizing this blog more and wanted to take a moment to talk about why I haven't been posting as I had intended. Both in general and about my time in Kenya.

B: I think it's important to show moments of how people who are perceived as happy and strong can be struggling too. I think people are often shocked when they find out I'm unhappy, and that makes me doubt it, feel more guilt and judgement about it, and want to hide it, which isn't healthy.

C: Writing is a valuable mode of processing for me and it's one I've been neglecting. I've been trying to keep this blog area honest but edited, and I think sharing more of my inner self is ok and it's something I need.

I'm doing my best right now.

I'm simultaneously battling trying to feel like it's ok that I'm doing my best, and that my best isn't good enough.

I feel like I should be wiser than to have gotten myself into a life situation that isn't working for me or best utilizing the parts of me that I feel are the most useful to myself and others.

I hate the factor that money plays in life and am in a constant battle with how to navigate it's importance.

I'm struggling.

I know it will get better. I know nothing is permanent.

I do earnestly trust that I'm learning something of value in this time which will enable something in the future that I can not foresee from this point.

I'm not sure how to button this up other than to say thank you for being on this journey with me.

The perpetual brainstorm machine that is my mind has been in high gear for months and I think that this period of deep pressure is making some diamond in a new shape and I'm looking forward to bringing it into the light when it's ready.

If you feel like talking about anything I've discussed I'm open and happy to chat.

If you're feeling depression or sadness please reach out, I'm always available for a hug and a cup of tea.

Love and Light.




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